Better ways to say “are you stupid”

Say this instead

1. 01

   I'm struggling to see the thinking behind this. Can you walk me through why you chose it?

   Coworker · Chat

   Use this with a peer whose decision baffles you, since it asks for their reasoning without judging them.

   Use for my message
   Copy
2. 02

   I'm surprised by this decision. Can we go through what led to it? I need to understand before we decide what to do next.

   Someone you manage · Email

   Try this when someone you manage made a poor call, because it states your reaction and opens a conversation.

   Use for my message
   Copy
3. 03

   I have real concerns about this plan and would like to understand the reasoning. Could we talk it through before we go ahead?

   Boss · Email

   Send this when you disagree with an instruction from above, since it voices doubt and asks to talk before anyone acts.

   Use for my message
   Copy
4. 04

   This request looks likely to cause problems with the deadline. Could you explain what you're aiming for so we can find a workable route?

   Client · Email

   Pick this when a client asks for something unrealistic, because it flags the problem and asks about their goal.

   Use for my message
   Copy
5. 05

   That change worries me. Can you call me when you have a minute? I need to understand why it was done.

   Coworker · SMS

   Text this when something went wrong out of hours and you want a conversation instead of a text argument.

   Use for my message
   Copy
6. 06

   I'm not sure that approach will work, and I want us to get this right. Could you tell me more about what you're trying to achieve?

   Customer · Chat

   Reach for this when a customer insists on a fix that won't solve their problem, as it questions the method and not the person.

   Use for my message
   Copy
7. 07

   The terms in this offer don't match what we discussed, and I'm surprised. Could you explain how that happened?

   Recruiter / HR · Email

   Choose this when an offer contradicts earlier conversations, since it flags the gap firmly and asks for an explanation.

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8. 08

   This went further than I expected. What was your thinking, and what did you check before going ahead?

   Someone you manage · Chat

   Ask this when someone acted without enough care, because it probes their process instead of judging their ability.

   Use for my message
   Copy

Examples

What to avoid

• Skip any comment on the person's intelligence or character and describe the decision or the result instead.
• Sarcasm and rhetorical questions read as attacks and invite defensiveness.
• Wait to write until you can state the problem plainly, because anger shows up in the wording.
• If you can, use a private message or call rather than challenging someone in front of a group.
• Words like always or never turn one mistake into a verdict on the person.

Related phrases

• “You're clumsy”: how to say it politely→
• Better ways to say “please stop cursing”→
• Better ways to say “stop interrupting”→
• Alternatives to “you're doing this wrong” at work→
• “Stupid”: how to say it politely→
• Better ways to say “why are you leaving?”→