Saying “you're being selfish” at work
Why it can fall flat
“you're being selfish”
“Selfish” judges the person’s character instead of naming what they did, so they get defensive and stop listening. A better line says how their choices cost you or the team and what needs to change.
Say this instead
- 01
I feel like the team is carrying more of this than you are right now. Can we talk about how to split the work more evenly?
Coworker · Chat
Use this when a colleague keeps leaving work to others, since it names the imbalance and asks for a fix.
- 02
Hi Swati, I'd like to raise a concern about the new rota. It seems to suit one person's preferences more than the rest of the team's. Could we review it together this week?
Boss · Email
Pick this one to get a decision revisited, because it points to the effect and invites a joint review.
- 03
Over the last few weeks you've picked the easier shifts and left the rest to others. I need you to share them fairly. Can we agree a plan today?
Someone you manage · Chat
Try it with a direct report, since it states the pattern, sets a clear expectation and asks for a plan.
- 04
The repeated deadline changes suit your schedule but put real pressure on ours. We need a fixed date that works for both sides. Can we agree one this week?
Client · Email
Choose this when a client keeps shifting terms in their favor, because it stays firm and keeps both sides in view.
- 05
You used the shared budget again without checking with us first. Can we talk today about how we make these decisions together?
Coworker · SMS
Send this as a quick, private nudge when someone keeps acting alone on something shared.
- 06
When the team's work is presented without our names, it affects how we're seen. Could we credit contributors more clearly in meetings?
Boss · Chat
Reach for it when you feel someone is taking the credit, since it describes the impact and suggests a practical change.
- 07
Extending your slot would push back everyone booked after you, so I can't agree to it. Thank you for understanding.
Customer · SMS
Use this when a customer asks for something that comes at others' expense, because it gives the reason without blame.
Examples
Hi Marcus, I wanted to talk about how the Friday cover has been handled. For the last three weeks I've been covering the late shift while you've kept the early one, and it's starting to affect my workload. Could we set up a fair rotation, and can we talk about it on Wednesday? Thanks, Wendy
Hey Cameron, I've noticed the client calls keep landing on me while you pick the projects you prefer. Can we sit down today and split them more evenly?
What to avoid
- Labeling the person as “selfish”, “lazy” or “inconsiderate” instead of describing what they did.
- Words like “always” and “never” invite arguments about the exceptions.
- Raising it in front of the whole team or in a group chat puts the person on the spot.
- Hinting at the problem leaves the request buried, so say clearly what you want to change.
- Sending it while you're still angry is risky, so wait until you can stick to the facts.