A kinder way to say “what do you mean?”
Why it can fall flat
“what do you mean?”
Listeners often hear “what do you mean?” as proof you think they're wrong or unclear, so they get defensive. A better move is to ask for their main point, a concrete example, or a quick check that you understood them correctly.
Say this instead
- 01
Could you say a bit more about what you're hoping to see? I want to make sure I get it right.
Boss · Chat
Vague feedback from a boss is where this fits, since it shows you want to do the task well rather than question their judgment.
- 02
Can you give me an example? I think I'm picturing something different from what you have in mind.
Coworker · Chat
In a disagreement, asking for an example requests detail and admits the gap may be in how you each picture it.
- 03
Thanks for the feedback. To make sure I address it properly, could you tell me which part of the draft you'd like changed?
Client · Email
A client's unclear comment gets thanks first, then a narrower request about which part of the draft to change.
- 04
I want to understand your point properly. Can you walk me through how you got there?
Someone you manage · Chat
When someone you manage makes a surprising call, inviting their reasoning avoids sounding like a reprimand.
- 05
Thanks for the update. Could you clarify what you mean by 'flexible start date'? I'd like to be sure I answer accurately.
Recruiter / HR · Email
An ambiguous job detail from a recruiter calls for precision, so this asks about the exact term before you reply.
- 06
Hi Reese, just checking I understand: has the order arrived damaged, or has it not arrived yet? Thanks.
Customer · SMS
Short texts suit a customer message that could be read two ways, since naming both options helps you pick the right fix.
- 07
I'm not sure I follow your concern about the timeline. Could you point me to the part that worries you so we can sort it out?
Coworker · Email
Written disagreements benefit from admitting you're unsure and then pointing the talk at one specific part.
- 08
Quick check on your note about the report: did you want the figures redone, or just the summary reworded?
Boss · SMS
Away from your desk, a two-option question gets you a fast, clear answer.
Examples
Hi Emily, Thanks for your comments on the proposal. I want to make sure I fix the right thing, so could you tell me which section you felt was unclear? If you have an example of the tone you'd prefer, that would help too. Best regards, Rafael
Thanks for flagging that. Could you give me an example of what you'd like to see instead? I want to be sure I'm reading your comment the way you meant it.
What to avoid
- Sighing or using a flat tone in person can make fine words sound like a challenge.
- A group setting is a poor place to ask when a private message would be easier for the other person.
- Several questions stacked in one message make the answer harder, so ask one clear thing.
- Opening with “That makes no sense” judges before you've asked, so ask first and form a view afterwards.