Saying “you're self-centered” at work
Why it can fall flat
“you're self-centered”
“Self-centered” judges who someone is rather than what they did, so they hear an attack and get defensive when you wanted a specific change. It tends to come up after someone takes credit, talks over others, or leaves work to the team.
Say this instead
- 01
I'd like to finish my point before we move on. Could we let each person speak before anyone replies?
Coworker · Chat
Use it when someone keeps cutting in during discussions, since it asks for a simple rule instead of naming a fault.
- 02
The recent change requests have moved our timeline, which affects other work we've committed to. Could we agree a set process for handling changes?
Client · Email
Repeated changes causing problems call for this one, because it states the effect and proposes a fix without blaming the client.
- 03
I understand this deadline is important to you. Other requests are ahead in the queue, so I'll handle yours in order and keep you updated.
Customer · Chat
Pick this when a customer expects priority, as it acknowledges their concern, holds the line and promises only updates.
- 04
Can we have a 1:1 this week? I need you to take one of the shared tasks each week, and I'd like us to agree which one on Monday.
Someone you manage · Chat
Chat should only book the conversation, then give the feedback in person or on a call with a concrete ask.
- 05
In this morning's project update, the team's suggestions weren't included in the plan. Could we review them together before it goes out?
Boss · Email
Send it right after this morning's update to raise a concern as facts, with no label on anyone.
- 06
Can we split the shared folder cleanup? I've done it the last three times, so could you take this week's?
Coworker · SMS
An uneven workload fits this text, because it gives a clear count and a specific request.
Examples
Hi Erin, In Tuesday's client call, the forecast I built was presented without mention of my part in it. I'd like us to credit each other's work when we share it. Could we agree how to do that for the next review? Thanks, Anil
When we picked the vendor yesterday, the feedback from Jody and me wasn't discussed. Can we go through it before you confirm the order?
What to avoid
- Labels like selfish, arrogant or egotistical are best replaced by a description of the behavior.
- Words like always and never invite an argument over examples.
- Guessing at motives is risky, so stick to what you saw and what it caused.
- A group channel is the wrong place for this feedback because others can see it.
- Wait to send it until you're no longer angry and can name one specific request.