“Why did you choose someone else?”: how to say it politely

Say this instead

1. 01

   Thank you for letting me know. If you're able to share it, I'd appreciate any feedback on what set the other candidate apart, so I can improve for future roles.

   Recruiter / HR · Email

   Use this after a rejection, since it makes feedback an optional favor and eases the pressure on the recruiter to justify the decision.

   Use for my message
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2. 02

   Thanks for the update. If you have a minute, could you share any feedback on my interview? It would really help me going forward.

   Recruiter / HR · SMS

   Texting suits a recruiter who already messages you that way, and it keeps the request quick and light.

   Use for my message
   Copy
3. 03

   Thank you for letting us know your decision. If you're open to it, we'd value hearing what tipped the choice, so we can sharpen our proposals in future.

   Client · Email

   This fits a lost bid or proposal because it stays polite and frames the question as learning rather than a challenge.

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4. 04

   Thanks for the update on the vendor decision. Would you be willing to share what mattered most in your choice? It would help us understand your priorities.

   Client · Chat

   A client you already chat with will find this easy to answer, because it asks about their priorities instead of questioning their judgment.

   Use for my message
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5. 05

   I understand the decision on the lead role. Could we find 15 minutes to talk about what the deciding factors were and what I could work on?

   Boss · Chat

   After being passed over, this accepts the outcome but still asks for a proper conversation about the reasons.

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6. 06

   Hi Lauren, I'd like to understand how the decision on the project team was made. Could we talk about what you were looking for and how my experience fit against that?

   Boss · Email

   Choose this when you want a considered answer, since asking for a meeting invites more than a quick explanation.

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7. 07

   Thank you for considering us. If you're comfortable sharing, what led you to go with another provider? Your answer will help us improve what we offer.

   Customer · Email

   For a customer who has left or declined, this is gracious and turns the question toward improving the service.

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8. 08

   I saw you picked Robin to work on the presentation. Can you tell me what you were looking for? I'd like to understand it for next time.

   Coworker · Chat

   With a peer whose choice affected you, this sounds curious rather than upset, which keeps the chat friendly.

   Use for my message
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Examples

What to avoid

• Opening with a sharp “Why,” which can sound like you're demanding a defense.
• Comparing yourself to the person who was chosen turns a feedback request into a contest.
• Sending the message while you're still upset is risky, so wait until you can ask calmly.
• If you're given a reason, thank them and take it in rather than arguing with it.
• Asking for the decision to be reversed in the same message as the feedback request muddies both.

Related phrases

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• Saying “no hard feelings” at work→
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