How to say “grow up” professionally
Why it can fall flat
“grow up”
Most people hear “grow up” as a put-down of who they are, so they defend themselves instead of changing anything. The writer usually just wants one specific behavior to stop so the work can go on.
Say this instead
- 01
Let's keep this about the work. If you disagree with the plan, tell me what you'd change and I'll listen.
Coworker · Chat
Fits a disagreement that has turned snippy, since it points back to the issue and says nothing about the person.
- 02
Side comments and sarcasm aren't helping us decide anything. Can we each finish our point without interruptions?
Coworker · Chat
Suits a tense meeting or the moments right after one, because it names the behavior and asks for one simple fix.
- 03
Those jokes about my work in front of the team weren't okay. Please bring concerns to me directly. Can we talk today?
Coworker · SMS
Good after public mockery, since it is short and firm and asks for a direct conversation.
- 04
Hi Peyton, in yesterday's meeting you talked over Kayla and rolled your eyes at her idea. I expect you to disagree respectfully, even when you're frustrated. Can we talk at 10 tomorrow?
Someone you manage · Email
Right for someone you manage who behaved badly, because it states what happened and sets a clear expectation.
- 05
I'd like your advice on a pattern in my meetings with a colleague. Personal remarks are getting in the way of the project. Do you have 15 minutes this week?
Boss · Email
Helps when direct requests have failed and you want backing from your boss, and the framing keeps it from reading as venting.
- 06
I'd like us to stay focused on fixing the delivery issue. Personal remarks make that harder. Shall we go back to the timeline and what you need from us?
Client · Email
Handy when a client turns rude under pressure, as it keeps you professional and steers back to solving the problem.
- 07
I want to help sort this out, but I can only do that if we keep the conversation respectful. Can you tell me what went wrong with your order?
Customer · Chat
Useful when a customer becomes abusive, since it sets a boundary and still invites them to explain what went wrong.
Examples
Hi Bilal, In Tuesday's review you cut across Mei twice and called her estimate "a joke". I'm happy for you to challenge numbers, but please do it respectfully and give her a chance to explain. Can we talk for ten minutes on Thursday to agree how we handle disagreements in team meetings? Thanks, Yasmin
Hey Raj, that last comment about my draft came across as dismissive. If you see problems with it, tell me which parts and what you'd change, and I'll look at it today.
What to avoid
- Remarks about the person's age, maturity or character instead of the specific behavior.
- Replying in the heat of the moment, especially in a group chat or on a reply-all email.
- Sarcasm such as “Nice to see you being professional for once”.
- Piling on past incidents when only the one that matters right now needs raising.
- Correcting someone in front of the team when a private message would do the job.